Sena Is Stupid And Easy
by hadaka
Summary: And Taro has had enough.


**Disclaimer:** Do. Not. Own.

**Warnings:** Rating for language, sexual concepts. This is **yaoi**.

**Summary: **Sena is stupid and easy and Taro has had enough.

**Additionally:** Believe it or not, this is not Monta/Sena.

* * *

The first time it happened, Taro didn't think much of it beside how _awkward_ it was.

"Montaaa," Sena sang out, and then he giggled. "I'm hooome."

Taro blinked.

Sena staggered into the apartment, his shoes still on. "UmmmI'mdrunk."

"I...see," said Taro.

Taro had been sitting at the kotatsu in the living room, watching a Honjo Masaru biopic on their tiny TV. The living room was the first thing a person encountered when they came through the front door of the one-and-a-half tatami two-bedroom that Sena and he somehow managed to share without killing each other.

So Taro had an extremely good view of Mizumachi Kengo as the blonde stepped into the apartment behind Sena, a hand to Sena's elbow to help him balance.

"Yo," said Mizumachi cheerfully. He pointed with his free hand. "He's drunk."

"I see," said Taro.

Sena pouted. "But Kengo's nooot," he sulked. "Even tho'he had as much's me."

Taro looked at Sena, who wasn't all that much taller than he'd been in high school, and then at Mizumachi, who had managed to grow another seven centimeters since high school and was about three times Sena's size and height, not even including the hair. "Oh."

Sena attempted to walk forward and almost fell into the TV. Taro caught Sena by the right arm just as Mizumachi pulled him back by the left.

And then for some reason there was a long, weird moment when they were both holding Sena up between them and no one was speaking, except for Sena slurring confusedly under his breath, _My legs, they do not work!_

"Uuuh," said Taro, "okay. So...thanks for bringing him home?"

Mizumachi blinked. "Oh. Well. You're welcome?"

They stared at each other over Sena's head. Taro had this strange feeling like he'd never met this person before, despite the fact that they were teammates and had spent the majority of the last year kicking max amounts of ass together on the gridiron.

"I'll just take him to his room," said Mizumachi, and the tone of his voice was so exaggeratedly casual that even _Taro_ could tell. "You know. As a helpful teammate."

Taro stared at Mizumachi. "_I'm_ a helpful teammate," he pointed out. "And...I live here."

Mizumachi stared at Taro. Like he'd never seen Taro before.

Sena was beginning to struggle weakly in their grips, muttering to no one in particular, _No, not my arms, I need them._

"So, anyway," said Taro loudly, startling Sena, "thanks max again, we'll see you at practice on Monday, bye."

Mizumachi...actually gaped a little, his mouth partially opening. But Taro had already pulled Sena's elbow out of Mizumachi's hand and was steering him by the shoulders down the short hall that led to the bedrooms and the bathroom, Sena complaining all the way, _I don't like this ride!_

In Sena's bedroom, Taro helped Sena get his jacket off, grappling his shoes away from him, and then shoved him into the bed. "Don't throw up in there," he told the grumbling Sena who was struggling with an apparently really complicated blanket.

Sena pouted. "You can' tell me wha' t'do," he slurred, crossing his arms as he lay on his back. "This isn't el'mentry."

Jeez. "Okay, but seriously, bad idea MAX," said Taro. "You're being really irresponsible, you know? He won't like it."

Sena blinked. "Huh."

Taro sighed. "Go to sleep."

When Taro stomped back out into the apartment, Mizumachi had gone. The Honjo biopic was rolling credits, and Taro used the taped-up remote to turn off the TV as he locked the door.

Then he picked up his cell.

_"What do you want, you fucking monkey,"_ was apparently how Hiruma answered his phone.

"Sena's drunk," announced Taro.

There was a silence. In Hiruma's background, Taro could hear a whirring noise that was either a blender or an orbital laser's targeting system adjusting its aim.

_"...and?"_ said Hiruma finally.

"Mizumachi brought him home," said Taro, in probably the same tone people used when saying _He was so friendly and outgoing, this is such a shock to us all._

_"Mizumachi brought him home,"_ repeated Hiruma—slowly, as if to a child with brain damage.

"It's okay," said Taro, "I was here. Nothing happened."

Hiruma didn't say anything.

"But you know," said Taro, "it's just, it's concerning. I didn't want you to get the wrong idea or anything, and I'm MAX not tattling, but...shouldn't you do something about this?"

A long, long silence.

"As Sena's best friend, I really think you should be around more," suggested Taro. "This is irresponsible, MAX."

_"Monkey,"_ said Hiruma, _"what the fuck are you talking about?"_

"Man, don't get mad," said Taro, a little peeved. "I just thought I'd call, give you a head's up. In the interests of my best friend for life."

There was a beep. Hiruma had disconnected.

"Typical MAX," snorted Taro as he flipped his cell closed. "Try to do the guy a favor..."

Of course, the next morning, Sena didn't remember a thing.

"Kengo brought me home?" Sena looked somewhat surprised, with that small part of his face that didn't look like death warmed over. "Oh. I'll have to thank him."

"Yeah," said Taro, around a mouthful of rice. He waited a moment, then asked, very nonchalantly, "Since when are you guys calling each other by your first names?"

Sena blinked. And then flushed. "Oh, I—I don't know. He just...always called me Sena, so..."

"Un," said Taro, slurping his soup.

He couldn't really believe Hiruma was being so stupid.

/ / /

"_Yaaay, jello shots!"_

Taro blinked groggily up at his bedroom ceiling, the last wisps of a dream in which he was a wide receiver in the NFL and an international superstar turning down a third contract with the New England Patriots in order to spend more time at home with his lovely wife Mamori and their two adorable daughters who looked exactly like their mother vanishing into the deeper parts of his memory center.

"I liked the strawberry ones best!"

"Yeah, me too."

"Whoooa, Tenma-san, when did you get here?"

"I was in the cab with you, Sena-chan."

"...oh."

"You're pretty cute when you're drunk, you know that?"

"You're cute all the time, Tenma-san!"

"...here, let me help you with your jacket."

_Aw, motherfucker,_ thought Taro.

He rolled out of the futon, hitting the cold floor with a grunt. In shorts and old baseball jersey, still trying to remember exactly how tall he'd been in relation to Mamori in the dream, Taro staggered to his bedroom door.

And opened it just in time to find Tenma maneuvering a jacketless Sena past it, toward Sena's own bedroom.

"Oh," said Tenma. "Mon...something."

"Montaaa," exclaimed Sena. "Tenma-san came over!"

"Yeah," said Taro, rubbing at his eyes with the heel of his palm. "I see."

Tenma pushed his shades from his eyes—but why? It was after _midnight_—and into his hair. "He's drunk."

"I _heard_," said Taro.

"Monta!" said Sena, eyes wide. "I had jello shots! _So many jello shots._"

"I can tell."

Tenma gave him a sharp, somewhat dismissive smile. "Yeah, sorry about the noise. I was trying to keep him quiet, but you know...he's drunk. Anyway. I'll take care of him, no problem, so feel free to go back to sleep—"

What the—whose apartment did this guy think it was? "That's max nice of you, Tenma-san, but I'm already awake. I'll take him from here."

Tenma's eyebrow jumped almost as high as Taka on a good day. "You will?"

"It's late. I'm sure you want to go home and get to bed."

_Your _own_ bed,_ Taro didn't say, but he didn't have to. Tenma was looking at him with something like surprise. "It's really no trouble," said Tenma, eyes narrowing. "I'm already here, and the last trains have stopped anyway. Sena's already invited me to stay over and—"

"Really?" interrupted Taro, louder than he strictly had to be. "Oh, man, then this is max rude of me! I'll just put the extra futon out in the living room for you! Do you need a change of clothes?"

Tenma stared at him. Taro resolutely looked back. Beside them, Sena had begun singing to himself, _Akiramenaide, oikake tsuzukete itai yooooooooo—_

"Man, you are so loaded," said Taro, still speaking loudly and not looking away from Tenma. "Look at how much trouble you've caused Tenma-san! Excuse me, I'll just put him to bed and be right back—"

Taro took Sena by his arm and, slightly more emphatically than he had to, _propelled_ Sena down the hallway and out of Tenma's hands. Sena giggled and made airplane noises all the way to his bedroom door, which Taro kicked open and then shoved Sena through.

"You idiot," hissed Taro, closing the door behind him. "What the hell are you doing! Totally unreliable, MAX!"

Sena frowned—or pouted—and promptly tripped over his own feet. He landed with his face in Taro's chest.

"I wuv oo doo," came the muffled rejoinder.

Taro sighed and pinched the bridge of his nose. "Yeah, yeah, you max liar. I don't know how he puts up with you."

There was a brief scuffle as Sena refused to be put to bed. Taro wondered, after he'd caught a socked foot in the face for the second time, why Sena couldn't be this forceful on the gridiron. He'd sure as hell like to see Shin goddamn Seijuro try and tell a drunk Sena to go to sleep. Not that Taro really _wanted_ anyone to Trident Tackle Sena into unconsciousness.

When Taro had tucked Sena in and could see that Sena's eyes were closing on their own, he went back into the living room, firmly shutting Sena's door behind him.

Tenma was standing by the front door, looking at his phone while he texted. He looked up when Taro stomped in.

"You staying?" asked Taro.

Tenma...raised an eyebrow.

"'Cause I just finished downloading_ every single season_ of _24_," declared Taro. "Which I will be watching. In my room. Awake. _All night._"

The eyebrow went back down. "No, I'll get a cab. I'm crashing at a friend's place."

"What a pity," exclaimed Taro. _"Max."_

Tenma gave him a long, extremely _confused_ look.

When Tenma was gone and the door was locked and bolted behind him, Taro snatched up his phone and hit a pre-programmed speed dial.

_"Have you stopped valuing your life, you fucking ape?"_ answered Hiruma, sounding entirely awake and alert.

"Sena's max drunk," said Taro through gritted teeth. "And _Tenma Dojiro_ brought him home!"

A few seconds passed.

_"Monkey,"_ said Hiruma, his voice very level, _"this has to stop. Do I look like his fucking mother?"_

"But!" Taro struggled, trying to figure out how to say that he was concerned for Hiruma without actually saying it. "But! What if! What if I hadn't been here, and Tenma took _max advantage_ of him! What if, Hiruma?"

_"You're dropping acid,"_ said Hiruma, voice contemplative. _"It's the only explanation I can come up with. You're Lucy in the Sky with Diamonds, and this is how you trip. By annoying the fuck out of _me_."_

"I don't know what that means," said Taro, "but one of these days, I am not going to be here, and then! Then you'll be MAX SORRY!"

Hiruma hung up.

Taro threw the phone onto the futon part of the kotatsu and put his hands over his face.

"Irresponsible," he groaned. "Irresponsible _max_."

/ / /

"_I max didn't mean it,"_ yelled Taro.

Shin didn't so much look confused as convey through the millimeter quirk of one eyebrow the general _impression_ of confusion. "I haven't said anything."

"I wanna throw up," said Sena in a small voice into Shin's back, from where he was lying over Shin's shoulder like a wrung-out towel.

Later, when Taro attempted to call Hiruma, Hiruma didn't pick up. _Bastard, max!_ After everything Taro had done and was trying to do for him!

He left a text. EMERGENCY! SHIN SEIJURO! SHIN SEIJURO IN THE BUILDING! REPEAT, EMERGENCY, REQUEST IMMEDIATE BACK-UP!

There was no reply. Taro ended up texting Sakuraba, who, bewildered and a little alarmed by the one-word text of SHINS-HERE-EMERGENCY-MAX-HELP-ME-GET-HIM-OUT, sent Shin a text asking him to please come by the office, there was a problem with the training schedules.

To which Shin replied, very sensibly and through a dictated text that Taro somehow ended up sending _for_ Shin because Shin wasn't allowed to touch his own phone, _It is 10:23 PM. The office is locked and no one is allowed in until 5:00 AM tomorrow. Please refer to Ojou University's Student Handbook, page 503, Paragraph 5, regarding Club Premises and Equipment._

Then Sena threw up about a hundred liters of plum sake all over the kitchen and Shin, max concerned (_I guess?_ thought Taro) for his rival, went to an all-night pharmacy for stomach medicine and by the time he got back, Sena was already passed out and Shin decided he would (have Sakuraba) call tomorrow to check on him and went home.

"Emergency canceled!" Taro told Hiruma later, after calling him on a separate, private number. "You owe Sakuraba, MAX. Also, I really think Sena might have a problem."

_"How did you get this number?"_ demanded Hiruma.

/ / /

Taro was attempting to do some statistics homework when there was a knock at the front door.

_"I lost my keeeeeeys,"_ came a sloshing, watery voice.

"That's it," decided Taro, as he stood up to go and open the door. "That's it, _max_. The first step is admitting you have a problem, Sena! There are _programs_—"

Taro stomped to the front door, unbolted it, and threw the door open only to come face-to-face with Hosokawa Ikkyu—

"OH, WHAT THE HELL?" shouted Taro. "WHAT THE HELL MAX!"

"WHO THE FREAKING HELL ARE YOU YELLING AT, YOU ONI MONKEY?" yelled Ikkyu.

—who was supporting Sena on his shoulder.

"Why is there yelling," complained Sena, putting one hand over an ear. "There isn't usually yelling."

"Sorry," said both Taro and Ikkyu at once, and then they glared at each other. Until Taro remembered that he was mad at Sena.

"Sena," began Taro, his head beginning to ache, "this is _max stupid_—"

"Who the hell are you calling stupid?" said Ikkyu, and then shoved Taro out of the way as he pulled Sena into the apartment.

"Hey," cried Taro, scrambling to get in front of them again, "_hey_! Trespassing, max!"

"I'm bringing Sena home," pointed out Ikkyu. "Because he's _oni drunk_. And he invited me in."

"Yay, Ikkyu," cheered Sena happily, and attempted to put his free arm around Ikkyu for an awkward hug from the side. Ikkyu turned as red as a brick.

"Oh," said Taro. "Okay. Thanks, man. _Now_ _go home_."

Sena turned a pout on Taro. "Montaaa, don't be rude. Ikkyu-san helped me a lot..." Sena's head lolled to one side, right onto Ikkyu's shoulder and into the angle of Ikkyu's neck. Ikkyu looked as if he was about to explode from the blood rushing to his face.

"I'll, uh..." Ikkyu seemed to be trying not to look at Sena and sneak glances at him at the same time. "I'll just...help him..."

"No way max!" Taro stood very definitely in the way. "Go home, Ikkyu! Isn't Saikyoudai coed?"

"What does that have to oni do with anything?" Ikkyu glared. "And what the hell is your problem? I heard about this from Tenma, but I thought he was just an oni idiot! What are you, his boyfriend?"

_"You shut your max stupid face,"_ roared Taro. _"No one can replace Mamori in my heart!"_

Ikkyu blinked. "Uh, okay? Yeah, Mamori in your heart, no one else, got it. You want to get out of the oni way, then?"

Just then, Sena attempted to stand up straight. He failed miserably and headed in the opposite direction instead, falling heavily against Ikkyu. Ikkyu's other arm went out to catch Sena by the waist and then Sena compensated by throwing his free arm around Ikkyu's neck.

"Uwaaah," breathed Sena, almost into Ikkyu's ear. "It's so _cool_ we're the same height!"

Taro was amazed, just _max amazed_, that Ikkyu didn't die of blood loss from the resulting nosebleed. Sena, somewhat sobered by the sight of the blood, ended up rushing into the bathroom for tissues, stumbling into walls and doors and a bookcase on the way.

"Seriously," said Taro, most of his anger cooled by the sight of the blood streaming down Ikkyu's face, "you don't think it's disrespectful of you?"

"The oni hell are you talking about," asked Ikkyu nasally, head back and fingers pinching the bridge of his nose.

"It's just..." Man, Taro hated just outright talking about it. "I mean, he's your teammate and all..."

"What," said Ikkyu, not really a question.

"I mean..." Taro shifted uncomfortably. "It's, it's like you're poaching, isn't it? In someone else's territory."

Ikkyu sniffed. "What are you talking about, you oni monkey?"

Taro leaned close then, so close that he could smell the blood, which was kind of gross. _"Do you not fear the endless universe of max suffering he will visit upon you?"_

Ikkyu stared at him.

Sena sprinted back into the room, doing an easy 4.5 for the 40 even plastered. "Ikkyu-san, I've got tissues—"

Taro wasn't really expecting Ikkyu to leap to his feet, dash across the living room, and grab Sena's shoulders.

He _really_ wasn't expecting it when Ikkyu said, very urgently, "Sena, are you dating _Agon_?"

Taro's jaw dropped. Sena, on the other hand, dropped his handful of tissues and looked at Ikkyu with drunken concern. "What are you talking about, Ikkyu-san?"

Some of the tension left Ikkyu's shoulders. "Oh, okay. Good. I should have known the monkey's just oni stupid—"

"Hey," Taro protested.

"—I knew there was no oni way you'd like Agon—"

Taro couldn't have said what it was exactly that made them both look at Sena. He could even less have identified what, precisely, it was about Sena's expression that made Ikkyu abruptly stop talking and Taro stare, disbelievingly, at his best friend for life, who he apparently didn't know at all.

Because Sena was blushing. He'd already been flushed from the alcohol, but the color in his cheeks had significantly reddened.

"Sena," said Ikkyu, and, for once, Taro and Ikkyu were in total agreement on the horror with which they regarded this impending tragedy. "Sena, no!"

"For real, Sena," added Taro.

"That's a MAX/ONI bad idea," said Taro and Ikkyu simultaneously.

Sena giggled. "No, no! Ahaha, you guys! I would never date Agon-san! He's too scary!"

And then—

Then Sena flung his arms back around Ikkyu's neck, pressing his head up against Ikkyu's, their bodies aligned almost perfectly.

"I like Ikkyu-san much better," he said softly, and hiccuped.

Sena hiccuping was actually pretty cute, decided Taro. Sort of like a kitten hiccuping, or maybe a puppy. He'd seen it on YouTube.

Unfortunately, Ikkyu was in no position to appreciate it, as the bleeding wouldn't stop and Taro ended up having to take Ikkyu to the nearest hospital. By the time Taro got back, after having been told the doctor wanted to keep Ikkyu overnight to monitor him for inexplicable hemorrhaging and being forced by Ikkyu to swear an oath never to tell anyone what had happened and also to never let drunk Sena anywhere near Agon, Sena was passed out under the kotatsu. Taro debated dragging Sena into his own bedroom, decided he would be warm enough fully clothed and under the kotatsu, and just made sure to securely lock the front door, with the chain drawn for good measure.

Then he called Hiruma.

_"Monkey,"_ said Hiruma, almost wearily, if Hiruma had been human enough to feel anything so weak as _weary_, _"I swear to fucking god—"_

"I've decided," said Taro, deliberately interrupting Hiruma for the first (and possibly last) time in his life, "that Sena would go really well with Ikkyu."

Silence.

"I mean," said Taro, "obviously Ikkyu is a max jerk and he has a bad temper and it's possible he could nosebleed to death in the course of this relationship. But Sena is like a brother to me, he's definitely going to be best man at the wedding, and I want him to be MAX HAPPY. Anything less than that is MAX UNACCEPTABLE."

Hiruma said nothing.

"I think," Taro continued, "that Sena should have someone who takes care of him. Who is _around_. Who _cares_ when _other pervs_ show up trying to take max advantage of him. Who pays attention when Sena starts _drinking too much _because he's _lonely_."

Still nothing.

"And so," concluded Taro, "I, Raimon 'Monta' Taro, have decided to _maxly_ throw my support behind Hosokawa Ikkyu in his efforts to make Kobayakawa Sena his boyfriend. I am Sena's best friend for life and I approve this message."

He paused.

Hiruma still wasn't talking. Taro couldn't help but feel a little sad at that.

"I've really lost a lot of respect for you, Hiruma," said Taro, much more softly. "You'll always be team captain to me, but...seriously, man, uncool. Max uncool."

Then Taro hung up.

On Hiruma.

And, for some reason, couldn't muster up even one shiver of fear.

/ / /

Taro was on his way home when Ikkyu called him.

_"Listen,"_ said Ikkyu, _"don't take this the oni wrong way, but...Agon-san's been talking about Sena."_

The back of Taro's neck tingled. "What's that mean?"

_"I don't know,"_ admitted Ikkyu, _"but I guess Tenma's been running his mouth, and...and I don't know. Just keep an eye on him, okay?"_

Ikkyu sounded uncharacteristically nervous saying that last bit. Taro wanted to roll his eyes at the same time that he wanted to give Ikkyu a noogie. "Yeah, okay. Thanks."

There was a pause then, so long that Taro started to wonder if Ikkyu had hung up without saying goodbye, and then Ikkyu said, _"Uh, is he...how, um, how is he...?"_

"All right," said Taro casually. "Of course, you'd know if you called him yourself. You _girl_."

From the sound of it, Ikkyu was foaming at the mouth. _"Who the _ONI HELL_—"_

They yelled at each other for a few minutes before Ikkyu hung up in a fit of rage. Taro decided that, for a max jerk with a bad temper, Ikkyu was an all right guy, and that Sena could do worse. Much worse. Obviously.

He mulled it over the rest of the way home, and by the time he got to his front door, Taro had come to the conclusion that he _probably_ wouldn't have a problem with naming Ikkyu as a godfather to his and Mamori's future children. Considering Sena's absolute _lack_ of sound and fury and Ikkyu's _overwhelming_ amount, their combined influence would probably come to that of a normal person's. Besides, he couldn't very well name Sena a godfather and leave out Sena's whatever-the-hell-Ikkyu-was-going-to-be. That would be rude, and hurt Sena's feelings, which was something Taro figured that both he and Mamori were firmly against.

"Dang, Sena," muttered Taro as he fit the key into the lock, "couldn't you have just fallen for Suzuna, it would have been so much _easier_..."

The door opened and Taro stepped into the apartment.

And went completely, utterly still as he realized that something was horribly, horribly wrong.

The first thing he noticed was the shoes. A pair of men's shoes, highly polished leather, the sort of shoes neither Taro nor Sena even knew existed most of the time. They were placed to one side, not quite neatly, as if someone had just stepped out of them.

The second thing was the leather jacket. It was draped over the cold kotatsu, with a long dark orange scarf laid over it.

Taro had never seen that jacket before in his life.

The third thing was Sena's door. It was closed.

Sena _always_ left his door open. Unless he was in there.

It was seven o'clock in the evening. Last Taro had heard, Sena had had plans to meet Unsui to go to a jazz show at a bar—and Taro had been less than worried because Unsui was about as close to a monk as you got without actually being a monk and more repressed than even a monk could hope to be—and there was no way he'd be back yet.

Unless...

Taro didn't want to do it. He was _loath_ to do it. But he closed the front door behind him, slipped off his shoes, and walked numbly toward Sena's closed door, thinking, _He's sick, he's sleeping, he decided not to go, maybe Unsui and hennngyaaaaaa, don't think about it, don'tthinkaboutit, but if it's Unsui it might be okay, he's all right—_

Halfway down the short hall, Taro heard, from behind Sena's door, a loud thump.

_"No!"_ Sena's voice, high and panicked. _"Wait—please don't—no—"_

_Agon-san's been talking about Sena._

SHIT MAX, was the thought that tore through Taro's brain, followed directly by bone-chilling fear. Agon was in the apartment! He was in Sena's room! Agon was in there with Sena and he was—and Agon was _so fucking scary_, Agon could break a guy's legs without thinking twice, Agon was an _uzi_ to Tenma's suction-cup pistol, Agon would break Taro's neck so much as look at him and how could Taro ask Mamori to marry a guy in a wheelchair—

But none of that lasted more than that split second, because then Taro was filled to the brim with intense, righteous, best friend for life RAGE.

"GET OFF OF SENA YOU MAX SON OF A BITCH," howled Taro, and hit the door like Gaou going for the sack.

The door was unlocked. Taro crashed through it and slammed into the floor with his face.

When he looked up, his nose probably broken, Hiruma and Sena were staring at him.

Sena was pressed up against the wall. His eyelashes were shiny, as if he'd been tearing up, and his hands were being held against the wall by the wrists, but now he was staring at Taro with eyes so wide they were white all around.

Hiruma was the one who actually _had_ Sena up against the wall. He had Sena's wrists in his grip, and one knee was pushed between Sena's legs. He was bent over, as if he'd been leaning very, very close to Sena, and he was looking at Taro with an expression that suggested he was contemplating euthanasia.

Taro's jaw was literally on the floor. He couldn't decide what was safe to look at—Hiruma's hands on Sena's wrists? Sena's loose belt, the front of his pants half undone? The bite marks on Sena's neck—

Something in Taro's brain popped loose.

"I SAW NOTHING," screamed Taro, and was on his feet and back out the bedroom door, yanking it closed on the way, like he really _had_ found Agon waiting to murder him.

He went straight to his room, locked the door, and huddled, shaking, under his blanket, Mamori's picture clutched close.

Maybe thirty minutes later, his door opened. Like he hadn't locked it at all.

"I didn't see anything," said Taro immediately, blanket still over his head and eyes squeezed shut. "I really didn't—I was temporarily blind—there _definitely_ weren't any fierce max bite marks on Sena's neck—"

Someone who wasn't Hiruma cleared his throat in an embarrassed sort of way.

"Look at us, you fucking monkey," said someone who _totally was_ Hiruma.

Taro reluctantly pulled the blanket from his head and opened his eyes.

Hiruma and Sena were standing just inside the room, Sena nervously by the open door and Hiruma leaning against the wall. Sena had all his clothes on straight (with a self-conscious hand over his neck) and looked keenly chagrined. Hiruma just looked like Hiruma.

"Sorry," said Taro, a little lamely, and hung his head.

There was a moment of silence, where Sena and Taro both unambiguously waited for Hiruma to say something.

"Monkey," said Hiruma finally, "you're the first person I've ever said this to."

Taro looked up. Sena was staring.

"I don't fucking understand you," said Hiruma.

Silence.

Everyone who wasn't Hiruma Yoichi was utterly lost.

"Huh?" said Taro.

"You harass me," said Hiruma, "for _weeks_. You give me detailed reports about Sena's behavior like I'm personally fucking responsible or some shit. You _wouldn't stop bothering_ me about all the guys this fucking brat kept bringing by, like it was my goddamn business. You fend off those fucking pervs like some sort of fucking guard monkey. Do you have _any_ idea how much shit those assholes have been giving me?"

The strange thing was, Hiruma didn't sound very angry. Taro wondered if it was a trap.

"You _push_ him at me," continued Hiruma, "like you're some sort of fucking _dealer_. You spend the last seven weeks doing everything but throwing him into my lap, and _now_ you've got a problem with it?"

"Wait, what?" said Sena. "He was what?"

Raimon Taro was beginning to doubt Hiruma was speaking Japanese. And he was _offended_. "What! I was trying to help you out, Hiruma! You were the one being a bad boyfriend!"

Hiruma—blinked.

_"Whaaat?"_ cried Sena.

"It's true!" Taro counted the offenses on his fingers as he went. "He never visits you, he's never invited you up to his place as far as I can remember, he doesn't care when you go drinking with tons and MAX TONS of other guys who want to, uhhh, take max advantage of you, he doesn't call, he doesn't take you anywhere—" Taro threw his hands in the air. "He's an _awful_ boyfriend! MAX! No wonder you're going to dump him for Ikkyu!"

Sena looked as if he wanted to answer, except he was hyperventilating and clutching at his chest like he was going to have a heart attack. His face was so red that Taro was slightly worried that another trip to the hospital was going to be necessary.

Hiruma was just...staring. At Taro. Like he'd never seen or met Taro before in this life or any other.

"Fucking monkey," said Hiruma, very carefully, "when did the fucking shrimp and I start dating?"

"Uhhh..." Now he was in charge of keeping track of their _anniversaries_? Taro was _totally_ rooting for Ikkyu. "Since his first year of high school?"

Sena made strangled noises.

Hiruma just...stared.

And then the corner of his mouth twitched.

Sena apparently saw it the same time Taro did, because the choking stopped. They watched, in helpless horror, as the twitch repeated itself.

Then Hiruma put his hand over his mouth.

But not quite fast enough to smother the first _pfff_.

"H-Hiruma?" whispered Sena, and Taro rolled his eyes. Sena could call Mizumachi and Ikkyu by their first names, but not his own boyfriend of four years? That was _pathetic_.

It was also apparently the last straw, because Hiruma started laughing.

A real, full laugh, one that shook his whole body. Hiruma laughed so hard that he had to clutch at the wall for support and then had to sit down anyway, holding his side like it hurt. He laughed so hard that he started gasping not long into it, and thumping the side of his fist on the wall. The laugh made him look younger, made tears gather in the corners of his eyes, and it was a laugh that was nothing like his usual, threatening cackle, but a genuine laugh, joyous and open and unfeigned.

It was _max terrifying_.

"You fucking monkey," Hiruma was gasping, "oh, shit...this whole time...three fucking _years_...and I always thought...it was impossible to be _this fucking stupid_...god damn it, you fucking ape, there are _limits_...chasing 'em off...you fucking guard monkey..."

Taro didn't know whether to fear for his life or be irritated. Maybe both? But Sena was looking at him.

"Monta," said Sena, very gently, "Monta, we weren't dating."

Taro...stared at him. "Huh?"

"Hiruma and I," said Sena, cheeks going pink. "We...we weren't dating. I mean we never were. I don't know why you thought it, but we never thought of each other that way until—"

"Speak for your own fucking self, brat," interrupted Hiruma, through his pained, gasping laughter.

The pink deepened to red. "Um. We—we weren't dating, though. He wasn't my boyfriend."

"Until today," cut in Hiruma again. He seemed to be rapidly recovering. "Thanks to you, you dumb fucking monkey!"

"But..." Taro couldn't think. He could barely breathe. "But...it was max obvious..."

Hiruma cackled. Sena blushed.

"I mean," added Taro, "all we had to do was _look_ at you two..."

Sena opened his mouth but didn't speak, shocked. Hiruma bared his teeth at Taro, and then glanced at Sena.

Taro didn't know what to do. His whole world was upside down. The last four years had been a lie...well, parts of them. All this time, he'd thought Sena was max crazy in love with Hiruma and Hiruma was max crazy in love with Sena but a really, _really_ bad boyfriend, and now...now he didn't know what to think.

Taro was in shock.

"So thanks, fucking monkey," said Hiruma, standing. "You kept him safe and virginal for me all this time and then you offered your hetero lifemate up to me on a fucking plate before anyone else could get to him. I owe you one."

Hiruma stretched out a long-fingered hand.

And patted Taro on the head. Twice.

"Good monkey," said Hiruma, and grinned.

Then Hiruma grabbed Sena by the hand and dragged him out of Taro's room, Sena stammering protests the whole way.

Back into Sena's room. Taro could hear the door closing and locking behind them.

Taro sat there, staring blankly at where Hiruma and Sena had been standing.

"But it was max obvious," he said, to nobody.

Through the wall, there came a high-pitched yelp and a thump. Taro was out the door and on his way to Kurita's place almost before he registered what he'd heard, distantly noting that his 40-yard dash time had improved remarkably in the past two months.

"Well," he told himself philosophically as he walked down the street in his socks, "I guess it all works out. Max."

It occurred to Taro that this meant that he was directly responsible for Sena dating the Devil. Which was _still_ better than Agon.

He'd just have to hope Mamori never found out.

* * *

**A/N: **The alternate title to this could have been: Raimon 'Monta' Taro: The Original HiruSena Shipper.


End file.
